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ShagsChain
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Country: United States
State: Arizona
Birthday: 4/25/1982
Gender: Female
Interests: Henna, Chalking Houses, Random drives and walks, reading my Bible, rockin out to my music, playing my guitars, reading other books, playing in the sand at the playground, sign language, and so on and so on and so on
Expertise: AOL IM - DuctTapeSkirt
I love all Christian bands - you have a good one shout it out to me
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/9/2001
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| Do you ever feel like you're missing the big picture somehow, like you're looking right past something vitally important?
My life was crazy for a while. Family drama, aiding and abetting a sibling, physical health crap (which hasn't really passed but I'm slowly becoming accustomed), and so it was understandable that I was staying on the sidelines, taking it easy from living life since I just had so much to deal with.
But now what? I'm going crazy because I just don't know what I'm here for and I feel so useless it's utterly ridiculous. I try imagining the stupid 'what if you found out you had 6 months to live' question but it doesn't really help. I want to make a difference, to move on, and most anything I envision takes at least 1-2 years to start up. So what am I doing sitting on my duff?
I just really don't know what direction to take and while normally I'd pick any direction just to keep moving rather than standing still it's like any choice I make will jump start me 10 years into the future and that's not as easy to undo as one step.
I feel like I'm waiting for something and I just don't know what. Sometimes I wonder if there's really anything at all or if I'm just a coward who doesn't want the weight of responsibility.
I hate to admit it, especially as I'm fiercely independent, but I think that in part I really just want to be the support in a team, a partnership of sorts where I can give aid to someone else's dream, fuel fire to a front man b/c I feel so incredibly weak on my own. Whatever package that partnership or team comes in is fine, doesn't matter whether it's a marriage, ministry group, etc. Part of that makes sense since it's so easy to get dredged down on your own and I hate being a front man, but do I need to wait for that to formalize first before taking the first step?
And it's not just about a profession or ministry or whatever. It's the fact that I feel completely out of step with the world. If I hole myself up in my house and never come out and never have contact with anyone would it matter? And I'm not talking even on the level of 'would I be missed' because, whatever, it's what you make of that contact and what you personally invest in people in the first place. It's more of 'would the world be any worse off?' I feel like I'm not contributing. I'm not necessary, and while that's a horrible way to gauge one's worth, there it is.
Is that shallow?
Gah, it drives me batty. I just want the answers and I know they won't come, and guess and check really grates me in this kind of situation. So what do I do in the meantime? The same thing I always do in my indifference and indecisiveness - NOTHING.
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| Yeah, that old post about how late night decisions suck? finally came back and blew up in my face. am I smart or what? stupid wishy washy...grrr...
what's worse, the idiot or the one who aids the idiot in his/her idiocy | | |
| I am a ridiculously selfish person.
I'm also very emotional when I'm sick apparently...haha. | | |
| I did something really, really, really stupid last nite. Even more stupid than the last one. I don't want to tell anyone because I know they'd berate me. Oi! The first one I know I'd do again. This one...I'm not as sure. But I won't bother analyzing that becuase it's done and I can't change anything. I just hope it was the right choice in a situation where I'm not sure there's a right or wrong. Gah - too much grey!!! | | |
| An Ode to Bessie
We certainly had fun times:
The late night run to drop Noelle at NAU, the many trips to California, unintentional trips to Payson...
The way you were with me on long winding nights of ponderous thinking under the beautiful stars...
Your endurance. Even after being stolen you came back to me. Had to make do with a screwdriver for a key about 2 months, but we made it through ^_^
Coming back from Guatemala and being so excited to put my 'Yo te amo Antigua' sticker for all to see. Stickers on, stickers off, the times changed the look a bit, but it was still easier to find you!
And of course, who can forget the fantastic trip to Oregon? Spun out on the freeway, nearly died, but we both pulled through, none the worse for wear. You came with me to some beautiful waterfalls and coastal sunsets
We had some amazing times and I will cherish the memories. Thank you.
Rest in peace in little car heaven my friend. ^_^ | | |
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